My most memorable road trip leaves bad memories for me with costly lessons having to be learned. This trip hurt so many people and some cannot forgive yet. I am not proud of this trip at all and truthfully I get nauseated just remembering the trip. I think people will look at me differently and not for the better if they know of this part of my life. However, the truth will set you free is something I believe with all that is within me so sitting near a bathroom I will begin. This recount will be a stepping stone toward not pleasing man, but only God as well.
This road trip began in 1993 around Thanksgiving or I should say the plans were set in motion then. I was living with my first husband and our 8 year old daughter at the time. A beautiful child with a happy demeanor. I realized too late what a wonderful gift God had given me. This is the regret I will forever have and she doesn’t even realize how much I love her. Always have and always will. But, in the mind of a little girl, my actions are despicable and the hurt I caused I can only imagine. I still pray that God mends this relationship. Although she is in her 40’s now, I would love to sit her in my lap and just hold her, stroking her hair and whispering the love I feel for her in her ears. Only God can do this and I have hope. Getting back to the trip I had seen an old boyfriend from years ago, my first love that got away. All those old feelings of a 14 year old girl came rushing back and I may as well have been 14 again.
We give ourselves reasons to do things we should not and unfortunately I decided to believe those reasons. I packed a few things and left the state with the old beau beside me. Leaving the most precious gift ever given me behind. Not to mention my husband who was extremely good to me. I was the problem, not him.
This adventure was packed full of drugs, lies, cons, theft, and things too horrible to tell. Leaving mayhem in its path, we drove state to state, city to city stealing, lying, and conning people with one thing in mind – cocaine. The truth is that it hurt too much for me to think about my daughter so I wanted to stay high. It was an escape. This guy would not allow me to contact her and I was afraid of him so I tried to stay high. I guess he knew I regretted my decision and was afraid I would leave him to go home. I would have done just that if opportunity had presented itself, but it never did.
This trip lasted almost 4 years with brief stretches of jail time, then rehab. The end only came when he was sentenced to prison and I left for rehab soon after. A 10 month Christian rehab where no money or insurance was not a problem. How relieved I felt cannot be put into words, but after 4 years of a lifestyle like that I knew nothing else. I could not remember life being any other way. I stayed and finished the program but life could never go back to what I threw away and oh, how it hurts. Still does 35 years later, but I got a second chance at love and marriage and after 25 years of being together we still feel the same as at the beginning and want no one else in that part. Real love that most only dream about. What a wonderful God I serve!
Yet, with all that I still long for my gift to be restored to me. Still hurts, still cry often, still wish she only knew how much I love her. She is now married and has a child. This I know through my cousin for I have not spoke to her in over 2 years and before that she only used me to get things she wanted. I didn’t see it then, but everyone else did. I am not mad. How could I be? She copes as she knows how as I cope as I know how.
Maybe, one day.
When God Speaks 
Leave a comment