Childhood brings different emotions for people. None being the same. Whichever side of the fence you are on, good or not so good, we all have struggles. Some are just prone to stay with you longer.
For myself, childhood holds few good memories. Memories are funny as we all seem to remember the worst more so than the good ones. I do have a few good memories, but most are traumatic. I have forgiven those I needed to and ask forgiveness for my part even though I do not believe a child has anything to ask forgiveness for. The things a child does that may be seen as problematic are usually the results of not knowing or issues that arise from no parental guidance.
When asked to name something as a youth that I was incredibly attached to, it would have to be my brother. I know he is not an item, but I know of nothing that I was attached to during childhood because roots were never put down for long. We moved a lot and when we were stable for a year or so my companion was mostly fear. Fear of not having a mom because my dad killed her or fear of not having a dad because someone killed him. My parents fought a lot and when my dad would go on binges of alcohol abuse he would seek my mom out and unleash on her all the fury inside him. Numerous times she ended up at the hospital or we would be on the run hiding out at different places.
Then, years later both turned to drugs and alcohol and talk about the rising of fear in my life, well, it was unreal and something no child should go through.
So, to describe an item I was attached to is hilarious because nothing was ever given that I could hold onto. I mean we got Christmas gifts, but these things mean nothing to a child who is never sure where she will be one minute to the next. Just not that important. I struggled with feeling loved all the time. I would be left at a school late at night because no one remembered to pick me up. Alcohol and drugs seem to erase the memories of people. I would get a ride home from a classmate only to find strange men in my house with my mom passed out. When living with my dad I was on my own. I could do whatever I wanted because he wasn’t paying attention. This may seem grand for a child, but I assure you it is not. I never learned how to be a parent thus causing generational curses of repetition in my adult life. I figured things out on my own as a child and that is scary.
When my parents were together and this was like a yo yo because the divorce then get back together scene happened over and over for over 20 years. They both worked jobs so we were latchkey kids. I could never depend on them to be there for me. I’m not sure they attended my high school graduation. I don’t remember. I do know they never attended anything I was part of in school or at least no more than maybe a couple events if that. Children remember their parents being there and unfortunately I cannot. My main job as a child was to bring peace and fix things in our family. I guess I always felt the problems were my fault. If I could be better then bad things would not happen. So, I strived to be better. I was an A student throughout school years. I joined the band and learned to play an instrument and learned discipline during marching season. I went to church for the most part of my life. The pastor of the church I attended when I was young would come by and pick me up for church. I was the only one on our Bible bowl team at church, but the pastor would pick me up and take me to the competitions and I would win. My pastor was proud of me but I longed for my parent’s praise. This pastor is someone special for me. He spent time with me and was an example that all kids need in their lives. He never knew how much he influenced me because as a kid I didn’t know.
Traveling this nightmare with me was my brother. We stayed close. We were all each other had and understood each other completely. The fear was still there because we knew if something happened to our parents that we would lose each other most likely.
I wish I could tell you about an item I was attached to as a youth but some children do not have this luxury and I am one of those children. What happened to my brother? He overdosed at age 39 and died. So, the thing I was incredibly attached to as a child was gone. In an instant he was gone. I didn’t have the chance to try and find him. I could only mourn him.
I have made peace in my life and wish things could have been different. I wish I had not caused pain in my daughter’s life as had been caused in my life. I have regrets as we all do. However, the road I have traveled I was equipped to travel. God, my constant, even as a child was never far from me and gave me the strength needed to overcome the obstacles thrown at me. My rare find is God. He would be the item I was incredibly attached to as a child and thank God, He is still with me.
When God Speaks 
Leave a comment