When God Speaks

As I sit with my mind on yesterday, I make the decision to walk down memory lane. I’m not sure this is a good idea, but it seems the decision has been taken from me. So, pushing my fears to the side, I begin my walk. Tears begin flowing before the first step is taken. I’m not sure what lies ahead but the past comes at me full force and so I begin.

I take my first step back into 1976. This year holds few memories, but the one I have is a family of four together under one roof. It is a Wednesday night and we get ready for church. Before we leave the house word is out that a tornado is on the ground. We scramble into the car and head for shelter.

My mind jumps ahead to the year 1980. This family of four makes a move to a town called Scottsboro. The next few years find me growing up way too soon. Friends, parties, boys, and academics all mixed together and before I know it this season is over. Without a second thought of what lies ahead I quickly decide marriage is for me.

1984 is the next pit stop. With no money for college, my dreams slowly die. I run to the altar screaming, ‘I do’. With no one to counsel me on what marriage should be, I jump right in with a fantasy as guide. Almost a year to the day, I have my sweet daughter. But, having no examples of what a mother should do, I rely on my fantasies to show me the way.

My walk jumps to Atlanta, it’s 1993, and I’ve learned some new skills which will enable my fall. These skills serve me well and I advance rather quickly. My profession takes priority leaving wounds that never heal. My family takes back seat with no say in the matter. I’m running on fuel that is never enough. In the blink of an eye, I’ve destroyed all things good.

The next few years selfishness takes over and nothing is as important as feeding my flesh. Any shape, way or form I can indulge this flesh is the goal I run after with no care for another. I live by the code ‘if it feels good, do it’ not thinking twice of the consequences ahead.

My walk jumps ahead to the year 2000. With rehabs behind me, I look to the future. In spite of all my wrongdoings, a blessing awaits me and I find my soul mate without even trying. Time moves along much slower than wanted and boredom latches on throwing a curveball straight at me. Life gets crazy but that blessing still stays. My mind cannot fathom life without my soul mate. When everything else fell apart in my life the life saving soul mate stood the test of time. I cannot leave out the main source of love for without this one thing I wouldn’t be here today. Thank You, God, for Your everlasting love. Without You on my side, this story would have died.

My steps quickly run to 2005 where I experienced a broken heart like never before. My one and only sibling passed on at 39. The pain and grief overtakes me for a while. The memory of our last talk is seared in my mind and the tears take over every time I go back there. So many regrets and words never spoken leaves a hole in my heart that to this day hasn’t healed. Life goes on but it is never the same.

I turn the corner and it’s 2019. Oh how I wish I could erase that year. Within six months, both my parents are gone and here I am completely alone. The worst of all years stares me straight in the eyes and I race to make up for a life never lived. This can’t be done as much as I wish so I must settle for giving the little that’s left.

Five years later and the pain is still fresh. The regrets that I have must be endured til the end. Life goes on but it’s never the same. You just learn to live with the holes in your heart. My Mom used to tell me something I didn’t understand, but today understanding is way too clear. ‘When you get older, your past comes back to sit with you’, she warned me time and time again. If ever there were words that ring so true, these 12 words are so so right.

As I near the end of my walk down memory lane, the tears still flow as the past comes to a close. But, this walk will be taken again I’m sure for when the past comes to sit with you, you must take that stroll.