I thought about not writing this, but if I can help one person from making the mistake I made then it will be worth it.
My story began almost 33 years ago. I foolishly gave no thought to how my actions would affect others. It was all about me at the time. My daughter was 8 years old and I ran into the first guy I ever thought I loved one day and that was all it took. Before I had time to think about the heartache I would be inflicting, I up and left my daughter and took off with this guy I thought I knew and wanted. That was the beginning of the end.
Drugs played a huge part in this decision and if you know anything about drugs then you know the dilemma. Drugs usually wins out and everything good goes out the window. There is no making up for the past. None of us get a re do. We just have to learn how to move forward. That saying, those bad decisions can have devastating results and in my case they have. I had so many opportunities to repair some damage if not all, but being the selfish person that I was, I only thought about myself and my wants which at the time were drugs and a guy I liked at age 14.
Years later when I finally decided to change my life, I wanted my daughter, age 30 now, to see the change and resume a relationship I had messed up. Again, my selfishness led me to think everyone I had hurt should see this change and come running back. How dumb is that? No regard for how I had hurt others. Just hey everybody, look at me. Aren’t you proud of what I have overcome? Well, it doesn’t work like that with good reason. Why should they give me an opportunity to hurt them again?
As much as I tried to make up for my past decisions, some like my daughter just couldn’t let it go and I understand today why, so nothing I tried could fix the bad decisions of my past. I had to accept it.
Having a grandson that is almost 2 now and I have never seen, much less held causes pain inside that might resemble some pain my daughter experienced when I ran away. I have tried to make amends with her, but for reasons only she knows they are not accepted. So, I must live with the pain of not having her, nor my grandson in my life today.
The writing prompt today was, ‘What is one thing you wish you could do more of every day?’ I wish I could see, speak to and know my daughter more every day. I do not foresee this happening anytime soon, if ever, but I will keep hoping and praying that I be given a reprieve from her one day.
When God Speaks 
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