When God Speaks

The day was beautiful. Sun shining, wind blowing gently and the sky so blue and clear. Although it was mid October, the temperature was blissful. Mid 70’s and holding. How I wish every day was like this one.

I didn’t have a care in the world. Things were going great for me as life moved steadily along with no problems in sight. What had I done to deserve this joyful, content time in my life? Maybe it was because I gave generously to anyone with a need if I had it in my power to give. Life had thrown a few curves at me, but I had overcome them in different ways and arrived at a place of peace.

The phone rang as I was basking in this revelation. My Mom was on the other end asking if she could come visit. Of course, I replied and within minutes arrangements were made and she was on her way. My Mom & I had not always been close, but the last 15 years things had turned around and we were more like best friends than anything. We confided in one another, encouraged one another and selflessly gave anything to one another if in our power to do so. Life was good.

She arrived within the hour, bags packed for the weekend and once again I thanked God for the rift in our relationship being mended. Having a Mom that is like a best friend is amazing and for so many years I had not understood this nor thought it possible that I was still experiencing the mountain top feelings of it and never wanted it to end. Actually, I just enjoyed it and no thought was given to it not being there anymore. She unpacked her bags and we made home made ice cream enjoying this wonderful day. As evening fell, we sat on the back porch talking about everything and anything until time for bed.

The weekend was awesome as always and I didn’t want it to end, but she had things she needed to do on Monday so she packed to leave. Before heading out, she ran me to the store and I noticed her driving was erratic. I asked if she was OK and she replied her blood pressure might be a little high. We checked it at the pharmacy and it was slightly high, but not enough to cause the erratic driving. So, I drove back to my place, packed a bag and asked her if I could come stay at her house for a few days. The relief I saw on her face made me sad. Without asking me if I would come she had decided to keep her feelings and fears inside not wanting to inconvenience me. My eyes fill with tears even now thinking back on this. Had things been off with her and I had not even noticed? I thought back to the week before when leaving her house how as we said goodbye out front she stumbled and fell back into a chair catching her fall. She had quickly blew it off like she tripped over something, but there was nothing there to trip over. Why did I not investigate this more? Well now I knew better and I would investigate.

I drove us back to her place and questioned her about some things. She didn’t know what was wrong and simply thought it would pass or so she said. The reason being that cancer had spread to her brain and she didn’t remember things. We did not know at this time the reason. I suspect she knew something but being my Dad had just passed 4 months earlier she kept it to herself. Once at her house I noticed she would fall asleep mid sentence at times and fall asleep while eating as well. We went to pick up a few things from the store and she got lost in the store, then walking out she had to sit on curb for me to pull up and get her. No strength at all. Things only got worse. I had left to go get a microwave and when I got back she met me at the door on her knees. She could not walk. I am terrified.

I ask her what her results were from a couple weeks before on her PET scan. She said they never scheduled her a follow up visit as to which I immediately knew something was very wrong. I called the next morning to find out why no follow up had been scheduled. I was told to bring her in the following day and they would work her in and go over the results. When I asked if we could just get them over the phone I was told no that we must come in. I knew then that things were bad, but just how bad and how quickly they got even worse I had not a clue.

We arrived at the oncologist’s office early. By the time we met with the doctor, she had went down even more. She had no understanding of what was happening and ask questions that did not pertain to anything. Holding back my tears while fear is overtaking me cannot even be put into words. I felt like I was having a heart attack. My heart actually hurt. Here we go again on the chemotherapy wheel. 3rd time and it didn’t look promising. But, try we would and pray for the best.

Chemo was to start the following morning. We arrived and somehow made it through the first day. The second day was like night and day. I had to wheel her in because she could not stand. As I was checking her in she had spilled coffee down her shirt without even realizing it. She had attempted to put lipstick on which circled her entire mouth. People were staring and I was livid. Not at her, but at those staring. I quickly shouted an ugly, snide remark to them as I wheeled her to the bathroom. All the while, she was unaware of her surroundings and I thank God for sparing her feelings from it.

We made it through the first round of chemo, but it would be the last as she was not able to continue it. I called hospice as I was told I should and the 30 day life sentence given began. Exactly 30 days later, my sweet Mom passed from this life. The stars fell that day in November and I will never be the same.