When God Speaks

This prompt was indeed an interesting question. I had to think about it and came to the stark reality that I felt like a grown up at age 55 for the first time. Only when my parents passed did I finally feel like an adult and not until I saw this writing prompt did I realize it.

I have given great thoughts to this and realized that until they passed I never felt I had to grow up. I know it sounds horrible but it is truth. Having my parents around I guess I always knew no matter what that they would be there to pick up the pieces of life if need be. I also realized they did just that many times. They passed within six months of each other in 2019, the absolute worst year of my life. I remember feeling totally alone. There was no one I could trust like my parents. No siblings, just me. One daughter who lives in Texas and would probably wish I would not interfere in her life if the truth be told. So, yes I felt so alone. I have my husband and he is great, but no one can love you like your parents. My world turned upside down. I learned to grow up fast without even realizing what was happening.

It was not an easy road by any means. When the bottom falls out of your life suddenly it shakes you. I vividly remember the year after my parents passed being so full of uncertainly and fear. I tried to not think about it and stay so busy that I didn't have time to think or feel the pain, but life doesn't work that way. We must grieve losses in order to move ahead and grieving is not fun in any way. It hurts. Severely. I wanted to stay in my room in a fetal  position not seeing anyone nor talking to anyone. How could I hold a conversation with someone when I had no words for my present situation.  When I could barely form a sentence without bursting into tears. Everything and everyone reminded me of my loss. The pain is physical. My heart literally broke when they passed. It hurt so much I thought at times I was having a heart attack. Time and places did not stop me from without notice bursting into tears and to someone else this may have looked strange. My mind and memories were on replay for a year or more. I would think of them and see that they did without so much just so I could have something. I remembered how old they looked at times. How I could and should have done much more for them and it broke my heart. Still does. It has been 6 years now and as I write I cry. I feel that pain deep inside. I wonder does it ever go away? So many times I have longed to see them and visit with them just one more time. I wonder if they knew how much I loved them because I didn't realize how much I did until they passed.  Lord, please let them have known.
I was so selfish then as most children are only thinking of my wants and needs. This is another reason I grew up at 55. Adults can't afford to be selfish like children can. I didn't want to grow up, but I had no choice anymore. I had to put away childish things and become a woman. As the Word says, 'When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child. But, when I became a woman I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11.  This verse encourages maturity by leaving behind immature ways of speaking, thinking and understanding. By ceasing to act childishly and growing toward adulthood. We are not meant to stay children all our lives. We are given seasons for different phases of life and each phase we are to learn and grow to maturity. Some stay a little longer in the childhood phase, like myself leaving at 55. But, we will leave one way or the other. We are meant to grow, to learn, to become like Jesus and Jesus didn't hang out in childhood long. Neither should we.
Today, I am a woman. I have put childish things away and am learning this season of maturity. Yet, in it all one thing I know. I am still my Father's child and He allows me to run to Him whenever I need to with all the bumps and bruises that come with being a child. His child.