Hands down the hardest decision I have ever had to make is one that I don’t like to talk about. There are several reasons for this, but the main being that even after 37 years that decision still brings pain. A close second is that I know people will judge me even though they have never walked in my shoes. If this story can help one other person from making the same mistake as I then it will be worth it. So, here goes…
I was 28 years old, had an 8 year old little girl whom I loved very much, was married and addicted to drugs. Prescription pain pills to be exact. Growing up was difficult. Both parents were alcoholics that later became sober after I left home. I am by no means shifting responsibility for my actions because I alone made the decision I made, but I do want to give you a brief picture of my life. I hated my home life growing up and tried hard to hide it from others.
I became addicted to pain pills at age 20 shortly after my daughter was born. They helped me escape my feelings of aloneness and my stress of hiding secrets and fear of being unmasked because I wore so many. I don’t think looking back that I ever grew up. I had this picture of what I thought life should be and I was never anywhere close in my mind. Ever!!
After moving back to the town I had met by ‘first love’ or puppy love because I was only 13 so not sure it was love, but definitely infatuation, I saw him one night and all my 13 year old feelings came rushing back. We began seeing each other secretly and his drug of choice was Crack. So, of course I began using it as well. Bad, bad mistake. I was hooked quickly. My husband knew something but I lied quite easily so he was never sure. But, the guy I was seeing wanted us to run away together and I was so tired of living 2 lives. Arguing constantly with my husband and craving the drug was wearing me out. I had a decision to make. Leave and take my daughter or leave without her?
Although this shouldn’t have been something I needed to decide on, I went over and over this in my mind. I wanted her with me, but I also knew that it would be a horrible life for her. Her life without me at the time was a much better option I concluded. I told her on the night before I left that I was going away and couldn’t take her. That I loved her so much and would come back and get her. I really believed that I would. Her father was a great father and my parents were clean by now so I knew she would be taken care of physically and emotionally as much as is possible with your Mom leaving. The truth is I chose drugs over her and that is a hard pill to swallow. Drugs wreck families and life. You never have control over them.
I left and to this day I cannot think on it too long for the pain is so great. We do talk today, but not a lot and we are not close at all. I wish we were, but that is her decision to make and I respect that. Maybe one day things will be different. I certainly hope and pray for this. Leaving her was and still remains the hardest decision I ever had to make. Still not positive I shouldn’t have and took her with me, but I believe if I had that it would have been a selfish decision on my part. Leaving her behind was the hardest thing I have ever done. 37 years later the pain remains the same.
When God Speaks 
Leave a comment