Hello Centurion. Writing of all the things we have experienced would take a century so I just want to reminisce about the milestones so to speak. It is hard for me to remember much good in our life before Ronnie came and after he left. Those were the years I store fondly in my heart. Twenty-seven years of a life I would repeat over and over if possible were the best years. How I wish I had known that then. I guess I did know it, but what I didn’t do was verbalize it to him more. Only when it’s all said and done do the reminders of a great life settle in and where joy once was is now empty and hollow. I wonder if that will always be the case or if joy can happen again for me? Not with a relationship. No, never that because no one could compare, but another form of joy, maybe. Guess we will have to wait and see.
This emptiness and sadness consumes me still. It has only been a few weeks, but I cannot see it passing anytime soon. I don’t want anyone to take his place because that just isn’t possible. But, surely there is another way to fill the pain. Just how I don’t quite know.
As I mentioned life before and after Ronnie makes little sense. I adored him. I loved him like no other. He was my everything and I never pictured life without him in it. I know in my heart he felt the same. How I wish I had told him more how special of a gift he was to me. I can only hope he knows that now.
Where are you, Ronnie? Are you looking down on me? Watching over me? Still loving me? I wish I had a sign that these were true, but I don’t. I sit with my sorrow and pain day after day. How many tears can a human body exert? They are neverending and at any moment they just flow.
So many questions with no answers. Did you know you were leaving? Did you want to go? Could you have stayed or was there no choice for you? Will you meet me when my time comes? Will you hold my hand and tell me you love me one more time?
The answers to these questions I cannot find, but I do know that if it were me gone and Ronnie still here the answers to those questions would be a resounding YES. Wow, I feel as if I have lived a hundred or more years and the best part of that time were the years I had with Ronnie. The closeness, the fun, the fulfillment of a life in love, and so much more. There isn’t a time where he didn’t mark my life and always in a good way. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone is a saying worth remembering. At least for me. The sad part is I didn’t remember how great my life was and the blessing bestowed upon me until he was gone. Sure, I knew I didn’t want anyone else but how I wish now I had realized that more and been thankful for him. When we are thankful we have no regrets later like I do now. All the things I should have been grateful about I treated as if I were owed and none of us are owed anything.
So, Centurion, I will close now and wish you well the remainder of our days. Always remember, “life is what you make it”, so make it good and you will leave with few regrets.
When God Speaks 
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