When God Speaks

Sitting in the cool of the morning my mind begins to imagine life tomorrow or should I say desires to see what lies ahead. I fight through depression and try to be positive. Losing my other half, my best friend, my lover and husband of close to 30 years makes this almost impossible. Not because I don’t want to – but, because when someone has been a part of you, a good part, for that long it is hard to think of life being anything other than empty. Plus I really don’t want to travel that path alone or without him.

When I try to imagine someone taking his place, it feels almost wrong. Like I’m cheating on him or being disrespectful of him and God knows, I never want to do that. Then, I push those thoughts aside because I don’t want that – not yet, if ever.

So, I sit with no thoughts of the future. Everything is so uncertain right now. Pain is still raw and tears still flow daily. So, it is not time for that – not yet. This is a time of getting to know me. I’m sure I’ve changed in 30 years so getting to know me seems like the right path at this juncture in life.

Who am I? I can tell you who I am not, but who I am? Hmmm.. I’m not a wife. I’m not another persons ‘everything’. Not anymore. I was that, but not anymore and that seems a little scary. I’m not a woman with a love story happening. Not anymore. That time is over and that seems a little sad. A lot sad actually. I’m not a woman nurturing her man. Making sure he is ok. Not anymore. My heart is alone and that seems a little hopeless. I’m not a woman racing around to make sure her house is peaceful and all there are happy. Not anymore. My house is empty with no one to pamper and that seems a little lonely. I’m not most things I once was just a few months ago and that feels depressing.

So, who am I now? I must find out if I am to ever make a comeback in this life. Hmmm… I am a woman with many faces. I still love. I still help others. I still love God and I still trust Him. I still give to others. I still hurt, still get fearful, still worry, still want to make a difference and I still desire. It seems like maybe I’ve reached a point in life where there may be balance in my life. Some good, some not so good but they can balance one another out. This is just another chapter in my life ready to be written. A blank canvas right now, but with a little help from me and from others I think a beautiful picture can be created. Once before I came upon a path that bore an empty space and when I look at the picture that was painted there, it takes my breath away. Absolutely amazing.

So, with my focus in the right direction this blank canvas can become another beautiful painting in the lineage of my life. I will just let it play out.With each breath I take, a stroke of the brush is put on canvas. This will be my life now.