When God Speaks

Have you ever had a part of your life end that you had not anticipated? What do you do? If it was a person that left your life by death, how do you cope? Emotions are strong and I ask myself if knowing would have been better. A part of me was ripped away without warning a few months ago. My husband of 27 years passed suddenly. I know we should expect life to throw us curves, but really, who does? The pain is so raw and deep. Yes, life threw a curveball and I wasn’t ready.

I wonder if life will ever be good again. There must be something out there for me or why go on? Where do you start? Baby steps are taken for a while and no set amount of time is prescribed. We are all different so there can be no ‘one size fits all’ remedy. Do we play it by ear? That almost seems irresponsible, but I’m not an  expert on the subject. Just a person who is in the beginnings of this walk.

Things will never be the same I know and I don’t expect them to be. I just wish for a glimpse of tomorrow believing if I got a glimpse all would be OK. But, it won’t, not yet. There is a time for everything I’m told, but the pain and sorrow seems to be taking a very long time.

Am I to just let go and storm ahead eyes wide open? I can’t just yet. Maybe one day, but not today. I want to sit here with my memories of yesterday wrapped around me like a blanket and remember. Remember him. Remember us. Remember the love we shared believing it would never end. And it doesn’t have to end. Love never dies. But, how can you overcome this sorrow while holding on to memories of the past.

All these questions and more run wildly through my mind with no answer coming back. I must see something in all of this. Something to give to another down the road, maybe. I tell myself not to rush through this and try to savor something beautiful in the process. I just can’t see anything beautiful emerging from this. I hope I know what I am to see from this experience.

I will keep my eyes open as I search for meaning and understanding if they even exist.